My room smells like vodka and shame
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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