hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
