And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
