He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
