Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
