1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
