So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
