hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
