I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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