I'm jealous of your bromance
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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