Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
