It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
