We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize