Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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