Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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