So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i think my cat just said my name.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
