is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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