hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
