the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
