we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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