I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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