He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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