Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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