John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
