porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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