did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
