tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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