i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
