Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
