he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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