you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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