I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
