how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
