So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my shit smells like andre
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
