Having a random hookup so left but love u
People in love make me want to vomit
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize