Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
