Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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