Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
