You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize