No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
