Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
