Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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