i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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