you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
