I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
