Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
