You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
