He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
