hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
