i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
