we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
