my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
