he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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