FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
