Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
